


So Cold

by orphan_account



Series: JohnDave [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anger, M/M, Sad feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-26
Updated: 2013-09-26
Packaged: 2017-12-27 15:55:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dave Strider wants to punch John Egbert in his face for being an oblivious little moron.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Cold

You want to slap him. You want to turn to him and hit him. It infuriates you to see him smiling and laughing with his friends and getting along with them more than he does with you. And you want to be the center of his attention. You want Rose that is in your lap to stop laughing with him and you want Jade who is sitting on his lap to just stop telling jokes. You want them to stop. You lay your head on the back of Rose's shoulder to hide your face and they ask you what's wrong. "Oh, don't concern yourselves," you want to say. "Don't get all worried over someone like me, who can't even express what he wants to say. Just keep laughing without me." You want to say. "Nah, I'm just tired," you say, and fake yawn. They nod and continue, but you can tell Rose gets the lie when she stays looking at you a second longer than anyone else does.

You listen to their conversation, their topics. They talk about John's girlfriend and how Roxy is so cool. How Roxy is so amazingly cute and pretty and funny. John's dorky laugh makes you want to cry. He's so fucking unaware you want to punch him in his face.

But you're just shitty enough of a friend that you can't even laugh with him when he's laughing with everyone else.

But yet it still gets to you that he's oblivious to the fact you just want his attention. You want his attention every moment of every day of every week forever and ever and you want his attention to never fade away and you never want him to look at another person and you want him to hug you like you hug your pillows at night and oh jesus shit you sound like an alone loser.

But jesus shit you  _are_  an alone loser, you're Dave Strider and you hug your pillows at night and you're so completely pathetic and you convince yourself you don't like John Egbert but at night when your hand is down your pants you love the idea of him leaning over you and being in you or on you oh god it doesn't even matter you just want to be with him for an amount of time and then get your cuddle on with him fork style.

Oh god you're so pathetic why is this happening to you WHY do you have to like this idiotic buck toothed fluffy haired fuck? Why did you have to like him of all people?

Y-you mean..,,! You don't like him! It's just that you would  _appreciate_  him not being so.... so...... LOUD with his relationship! Yeah, you mean, everyone sees him always making out with his girlfriend around every corner of the school.

Rose's bus stop comes and she scurries off, Jade following her, they were going to hang out today. You have a couple more stops to go before you get off the bus. God you just want to get off the bus already and get home so you can cry your face off into one of your pillows.

John is still squished up against you and you look at him so you can ask him to scoot over a little, but when you look at him, he's looking down at his phone. He's smiling and you steal a glance to his screen, where he's texting "Roxy♥Babe" and you want to gag and punch him in his face. He see's you looking in his direction and you're lucky you have on your shades and you look back to his face... not that he could actually tell you were looking at his phone, really. He smiles sheepishly and scoots away. "Oops, sorry, I didn't mean to be all up on your side--"

"It's fine."

And you miss the warmth his side gives yours. Your leg suddenly loses his leg's heat, your arm loses his arm's heat, and you suddenly feel so alone again. You feel cold.

You feel cold. You feel so cold without him.

He looks back to his screen and you look back down to your feet.

When he doesn't give you attention you feel terrible. You feel hollow, empty, you want to punch him in his face with the bus when you don't have his attention. You want to rip people's faces off when he doesn't give you attention. You want his attention, you want  _him_  and you  _can't_ have him. And that sucks, and you feel colder.

When you approach your bus stop, he knows to move so you can get out of the seats that only fit two people. You leave, and he says nothing but "bye" and you want to cry again. You always want to cry when he doesn't give you attention.

Hopping off your bus, you say nothing to the other people that get off there too. You cross the street that you have to, and you slow your steps as you near the curb of the sidewalk. The bus drives on, and you wait until it's out of sight. You throw down your phone that has been in your hand since you got on the bus with the force of punching someone and you hear it shatter. It stays on the ground for a minute before you lean over to pick it up. A shard sticking out from the corner of what's not broken of your phone slices your skin and you don't even wince when it does so.

You presume walking, down the sidewalk towards your house. Your feet aren't any quicker at the walking thing, though. You stand next to the fence that's to the left to you. It's a red color, like a chestnut burgundy-ish shade and you don't care really, its just red and you kinda like red.

Shit shit shit. YOU ARE DAVE STRIDER. YOU DON'T CRY ON THE SIDEWALK. NO. NO NO NO. Fuck. You cry. Your chest heaves a little and you let a small sob out and your eyes are watering and you hate it. You hate the feeling of crying, despite how often you do it. Wetness rolling down your cheeks, mouth stretching and teeth shaking and clenching and you lean your shoulder against this red fence beside you, and it welcomes its wood like arms but nobody is actually hugging you.

You feel so cold.

You hear something shuffle behind you but you don't care to move. Not right now. Not right now, no. You're cold. You want John's arms. You want him to hug you and keep you warm while you cry. While your head is tilted forward, you watch around your waist where you wish his blue sleeves would wrap around you from behind. You wanted that shuffling noise to be him following you home. You wanted that. But you just hear a car door opening and closing down the street instead.

You just shake your head. You feel so cold. You always imagine the dumbest and most cliche scenes in your head and you know they'll never be true. But you imagine them anyways, knowingly.

You lift your head, and straighten your back, wiping away the tears as you walk towards your home again. You make sure your face is clear of tears and redness before you unlock your front door and walk in, kicking three smuppets out of the way before seeing Bro on the futon, reading some porn magazine.

"Hey man," he says. "How was school?"

You don't make a single wrong move or noise as you scoff and shake your head. "Got a B on my test today."

"Fuckin' good ass grades. Your ass is goin' to college whether or not you like it or not, you little smart shit."

You laugh. "Whatever dude. I'm going to take a nap. Long day."

"Alright then. Pizza Hut tonight."

"Hell yeah."

When you enter your room you don't even stop to turn on your fan like you usually do, despite the fact it was hot as balls right now. You just strip off your clothing and throw them to the side and crawl into your bed and scoot to one of your pillows and stuff your face into it and sob quietly.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr:[shotafucking](http://www.shotafucking.tumblr.com/)


End file.
